I’ll be honest, I get cranky when I’m working out hard. I’ve discovered I have an extreme case of Exercise Rage. It is an epidemic just waiting to happen and I blame my mother for getting me vaccinated as a baby. I’m sure that’s what caused it. When I’m at the end of my energy reserve, this list of people is at an even greater risk of receiving a throat punch. This list is in order of hate. Enjoy.
10. The Cats Meow – Ok… I don’t hate you at all, but i hate that you flaunt your perfectly sculpted body in front of me wearing those skin tight yoga pants (Thank you to whomever made these popular). I hate that i can’t help but stare as you do the most provocative stretches 5 feet in front of me as i work on my 60th set of chest press lifts. I hate you because i can’t have you, and even worse, you do not want me. I hate that if, and when, you catch me checking you out, you will immediately think I’m the biggest perv in the world. I’m admiring your work, don’t you see that? I’ll probably get in trouble for this one. Oh well. Advice, please don’t stop. .. I love everything about you.
9. Mr. Know-It-All – You’re the guy that thinks it’s your responsibility to correct ones form in Amy exercise. If you’re not an employee, just leave me alone
8. Lifeless Loiterer – You love going to the gym; you never workout though. To you, this is social hour. You’ll interior anybody you know while they workout just to find out how their vacation was, or worse, to let me know how yours was. There’s a reason i didn’t make eye contact with you, you miserable troll. Advice: Take a hint and keep walking.
7. The Rain Forest – I feel bad for hating you, but I cannot help it. You sweat so much, it makes me want to throw up. You’re seriously leaving pools of sweat where you just were. I know, it’s not right to hate this person, but all too often, you also don’t clean up after yourself. So I don’t just hate the super sweaty guy; I hate the super sweaty guy that never wipes down the equipment when done. Seriously, you deserve to be suffocated by your own sweat rag after it sopped up your disgusting Lake Superior of sweat you just left on this bench. Advice: Go get some ShamWow towels and make yourself a new workout outfit before you come back here again.
6. Gossy Goose – Get off your phone you Troglodyte!
5. Tony Too High – Tony, I can only assume you went to school in the 60’s or 70’s, but did you have to keep those teenie tiny shorts that have that slit on the sides that even the NBC halftime show wouldn’t air? I get wanting to be comfortable, but how about the rest of us? Tony, you’re probably a runner, and a good one, but seriously, knock it off. It’s gross.
4. Grug the Caveman – You’re the fellow who grunts exceptionally loudly while doing your clean n’ jerks and while you’re lifting weights, then drops the weights making me have flashbacks to ‘Nam, and I wasn’t even born yet. I don’t hate the meat heads who stare at themselves in the mirror more than working out. Grug, I hate you because you don’t need to be that loud. When you’re that loud, you break everyone else’s concentration. You may be working out the hardest in the whole place, but do you really need to let it be known? I don’t mind grunting, or the accidental release of the weights. It’s the intentional stuff. Advice, next time you’re about to push that last 400 lb squat down to the sweet spot, picture a short little fat guy… PUNCHING YOU IN YOUR STUPID THROAT!!
3. Grandma Agnes – I love grandmas, and I’ve loved every woman named Agnes that I’ve met (One), but I call those of you ladies who douse yourself in perfume, so as to mask any potential displeasing smells you may omit while working out, that you truly cause the exact issue you’re trying to prevent. You need to realize, it’s ok to smell a little when you work out, but purposely smelling like the potpourri truck on a hot summer day is not meeting your needs.
2. Sasquatch – No, you’re not hairy, but you smell like you’ve never had a shower… EVER. You don’t believe in washing your clothes and your natural body odor smell is so repulsive it makes me literally gag. I see your strategy, you’ve got a huge personal space bubble, and clearing the cardio floor is your end game. Advice, get a hose and a match and burn those clothes and wash your disgusting self.
1. Whoo Boy/Girl – You know who you are. You’re the one who insists on whooping and hollering whenever anything is happening. I get it, you’re trying to show your enthusiasm, your energy, and help others get motivated. Problem is, you’re too loud, it startles me and makes me lose my focus. Plus, it’s so annoying. It sounds like fake energy. You sound like the moron who thought coming up with Ice-breakers at a conference would actually be fun. To me, your constant jokes to the instructor that nobody gets, or your incessant need to clap off beat to the songs, or dance in place on your bike, among many other annoying things you do, just makes me want to rip your face off, and I would, if I wasn’t so tired. Some of us don’t reciprocate well to your stupid antics. Do us all a favor and shut the F$%k up. I hate you.