For some reason, I’ve been doing a bit of binge eating of the last week or so. I could not figure out why I was so “hungry” all the time. Turns out, I was getting sick. If I think back, whenever I get sick, I tend to overeat. Sometimes, I even overeat to the point of a binge. It’s not fun. Those of you who have experienced it, know how horrible it feels. The guilt, the sick feeling in your stomach because you’re just so full, the loss of will to continue on any fitness/health goals you once had.
It all culminated last night when I was making dinner for the kids. As I was preparing 2 large portions of food for myself, all the while knowing I should have only made 1. I realized I had a thought of fear going on in my head. A purely irrational and entirely stupid fear. “Will 1 portion really be enough? What if I’m still hungry when it’s gone?” Seriously? That’s what was going on in my head. I was worried I’d not have enough to eat. As if I couldn’t then just make another, or find something else to eat. That’s when I realized just how out of control I was allowing myself to get. That’s when I told myself, “you really do have an eating disorder.”
I don’t know what admitting that will do. I doubt it will help. But it was a good reality check. Now, I don’t believe my problem is nearly as severe as some have. I’m self-diagnosing myself, I understand there may not be a lot of validity to what I’m saying medically etc. And in no way am I trying to trivialize people’s plight with eating disorders. I assume I have a mild case, that is more so related to my mental well being at the time. It’s something I have more control over than many others do. Maybe I don’t.
I’m not sure what my point entirely is, other than, I’m saying something I’ve not said before about myself. It’s admitting a weakness that I’m working to overcome. Perhaps it’s getting myself closer to a permanent resolution, though I believe issues like this are never really resolved, they are maintained, controlled, but not defeated entirely. I feel much more empathy for those that don’t the support system I have, the resources I have, the whatever it is that is keeping me from falling into that pit of despair entirely.
Today was a great step away from this negative episode I’ve been in. I didn’t eat my lunch and breakfast all at the same time right away in the morning. I actually still have some of the food I brought that I can eat as a snack now. I went and worked out, and worked out pretty hard. I feel much happier today. I feel more in control. Let’s hope these binge weeks/episodes are few and far between, and I can recognize them sooner when they do happen.
Have a great day, and be thankful for what you have, even if it is a hardship.